It’s not you, it’s me
How many of us have either been told this or have said it to someone, often around a relationship breaking up?
It can come with a real ‘ouch’ if receiving it. Perhaps it shows the speaker demonstrating some self-awareness or taking responsibility for oneself . But if we dig around a bit, I wonder if there might be a bit more involved sometimes.
Because a relationship means a connection of at least two, a dialogue, a dance between the elements. There is that lovely phrase of ‘more than the sum of its parts’. Saying ‘not you but me’ points only to the parts, not even the sum (much less the connection). More to the point, it focuses on ‘me’. In short, it’s all about ‘me’: my perspective, how I see the world, what I think is the ‘right way’ – me, me, me. Somehow, the difference of ‘you’, how you do things, where you are in your life, what I might learn from you, gets lost in this me-centred approach. Nor does it acknowledge that connection, the sum.
Can we just get out of our own way sometimes? Not easy, in a world that can feel challenging, unsafe, unpredictable. In an attempt to move more towards the approach of ‘other regarding’, I’m experimenting with turning this phrase on its head.
‘It is you (that I see), it’s not (just about) me’.
Seeing the parts, the sum and the bigger picture. Truly trying to step outside of a me-centred universe and turn towards our interconnection and mutual responsibility for this magical, precious world and all beings in it.
With a bow
Maitripushpa
*many thanks for the inspiration arising from a friend saying
‘I wouldn’t do it that way’
